Hunger

I am very hungry. Margaret said that I have to blog before I can eat. I think this counts!

Slip, slip, BAM!!!

The other day I took some time to play with my puppies, Brody AKA #1 and Allie AKA #2. (Here #2 is on the left and #1 is on the right.) They have code names so that Margaret and I can talk about them without their knowing. Kind of like spelling b-o-t-t-l-e with little kids. This is most helpful when we are sitting and watching them interact. We know who we are talking about, but they do not. Until we created these secret names, even mentioning a word relatively similar to one of their names merited an immediate puppy sandwich, which consists of you in the chair, one dog on each leg, and a whole lot of slobber.
Anyhow, I was playing hide and seek with #1 and #2. The game consists of me throwing just about anything from the top of the stairs into the living room. Brody is a ball of fire so she tears off like a bandit. Allie knows that it is a lost cause for her to chase the bait so she just sits and waits at the top of the stairs until Brody makes it back up. (Side note: #1 and #2 especially like chasing the MOOSES from Margaret's cedar chest, especially when there is a herd of them all at once. However, the ultimate prize is Peking!!!) Ideally both dogs would chase after the toy(s), but because Allie turns like a cruise ship and Brody moves like a Sea-Doo we let it go. While they are down getting the whatever, I run and hide somewhere on the upper floor. I hide in closets, in the shower, under the beds, on the beds under covers, and often behind doors. Hiding behind doors is where slip, slip, BAM come into the story.
In one of the many rounds I hid under the blankets on the guest bed. Of course the puppies found me. The next round I hid behind the guest bedroom's door. Each round the dogs immediately return to where they found me previously so they went straight to the bed and dug around looking for me. When they realized that I was not there Brody hopped off and headed out the door. (Side note: I hid in the bed farthest from the door.) Allie followed but not as smoothly, remember, she is a cruise ship. She jumped off the bed at full speed neglecting the slippery pergo floor. She lost traction and her body went slip, slip, BAM into the door which in turn smacked my head because I was watching this all unfold. Again, #2 is a bumbling heavy cruise ship. Her weight and force were enough that the impact from the door sent my head into the wall behind me, so I got nailed twice! Fortunately this worked to her advantage because my groans of being whacked twice in the head gave away my position and she won. Yeah for #2!!!

Get your shift together!

The title sounds harmless enough right...unless you have a potty mouth like my cute wife. A few days ago Mar and I were driving around talking about me going driving and how many hours it will be and the pros and cons and what not. I said that the hours will vary daily, but if I hustle, I will get done quicker than the average driver. And then she said, "Yeah, I bet that a lot of UPS drivers could get their shi(f)t done faster if they had a strong work ethic and intergrity and what not." After a few moments of silence she spoke up again and said, "I said 'shift' you know." I just chuckled to myself and said, "Yeah, I hope to have my @$%* together so that I can get done early." You see, we have both had colds lately and the "f" in "shift" was barely audible rendering a very popular 4-letter word. I have teased her about it a few times and she denies even the possibility of it ever having happened. So, just a word to the wise, or unwise, however you want to look at it, be careful what you say and be sure to always have your shi(f)t together.

Thanks puppies!

So...on the west wall on the south side of the chimney there is a leak in the roof. The shingles were starting to sink down/in so I figured that now would be a good time to fix it. I went up and started peeling away two layers of shingles (there should only be one layer) and zero tar paper (there should be tar paper under it as well.) But this is not much of a surprise because in the house, some of the drywall was put on backwards and the carpet padding was placed upside down among other things. When I pulled away the shingles I could see inside the attic. Yeah, the wood had rotted away and there was nothing there. So I peeled back some more shingles and chucked them over the edge, not paying attention to where they were going. I probably peeled off 20 square feet. When I went down the ladder to clean up the shingles I noticed that several traveled quite a distance! It was a little windy, but nothing tornadic.
Then I heard some puppy licenses clanging and realized that Brody and Allie were busting around the house. They usually like to play "stick", which is when Brody places anything from the size of a twig all the way up to a 6 foot tree limb in her mouth and runs around the yard with Allie in chase. They love this game and play it at every opportunity. However, this day they played "shingle". But one shingle was not enough. It was necessary for them to use several, like thirty, and drop them sporadically throughout the yard. So instead of cleaning up a small mess, I made several trips around the yard looking for bits of shingles. Thanks puppies!

More bubbles please

A few weeks ago Mar and I attended a teachers' conference in Osage Beach, MO. Instead of staying at the hotel where the conference was being offered we were able to hook up with a very friendly "travel agent" and he was able to get us a room at the Holiday Inn Express. When we got there we checked in and were mysteriously upgraded to the King Suite!!! (Yeah for Super Duper Platinum members!!!) Well the King Suite was sweet! Well, it was pretty normal for a King Suite, but it had a good sized jucuzzi tub, which I understand is not always included in the package and can sometimes produce a slight extra charge. (This one did not however) Anyhow, I got really excited for the big tub. I really like baths and do not get to take them very often so I decided to go all out and get some bubbles. So we hustled over to TARGET and snagged some super potent Spiderman bubbles. When we got back I started the tub and started pouring in bubble juice. The bubbles were not up to par so I kept adding and adding and adding. The directions called for a capful, and I figured this is an extra large tub, so it needs an extra large dose of bubble juice. When the water level got past the jets I turned them on and there was basically a bubble explosion!!! Within a matter of seconds the bubbles went from barely covering the surface of the water to 2 feet deep. So there I was with six inches of water and 2 feet of bubbles cascading over the edge of the tub. I quickly shut off the jets to avoid furthuring the flood of bubbles onto the floor and just sat and relaxed. When my skin was thoroughly pruned I got out and cleaned up. It took about 25 minutes to get all of the bubbles rinsed out of the tub.

Out of my league

There I was...smack dab in the middle of a place that I quickly realized that I did not want to be. A few weeks ago Mar and I went to the almighty FOREIGN LANGUAGE ASSOCIATION OF MISSOURI conference at Osage Beach, MO. The atmosphere was really pretty. The Lodge of the Four Seasons, where the conference was held, was on a high bluff over looking one of the Lake of the Ozark arms. The hotel itself was a little outdated, but it was still nice. Anyhow, back to being out of my league. I was feeling pretty confident about myself and the opportunity for me to learn some teaching tricks. However, as we pulled into the resort area I started seeing the people that would be at this conference with me. They immediately struck fear into my soft heart. All I saw were waves of old ladies in their dress suits made of what I like to call curtain material. You know like in the Sound of Music when what's her bucket makes new clothes for the children out of the curtains in her room. Their outfits were all flowery and basically said, "HEY, LOOK AT ME. I'M A TEACHER", which is all fine and dandy, but they were everywhere! I felt like I had to ask permission to go potty. What made it even worse is that my attire was a little more casual. I was sporting some faded blue jeans, a t-shirt, and my Huskers hat. I feared that they may not let me in, swat my hand with an old ruler, or even worse, make me write an essay on proper teacher conference etiquette. Not only were they adorned in their flowery garb, but they ALL toted the small luggage bags with wheels full of their teacher supplies I must assume. I had to scrounge around for a pen in the car! It was definitely an eye-opening experience. Turns out they did not tease me or burn me at the stake or anything, which is good, but I for one will not be attending another FLAM conference in the near future, atleast until I can bum one of Ken's polyester "old man" suits from him so that I can fit in.

But I'm cold!!!

The sticklers Ben and Margaret have yet to fire up the ol' furnace this season. It has been uncharacteristically cool, but not cold enough to start up the furnace. It is still warm enough that a simple sweater or an extra blanket will keep one warm when going to bed. So yesterday, Sunday, when we got home fome the Stake House, which literally could have been a "Steak Freezer", we were all a little chilled. (The powers that be have yet to change the AC over to heat at our building so when somebody pushed the little "occupied" button the AC kicked on, although it was barely over 5o degrees outside. We could almost see our breath in the chapel. The chilly temp did keep the Stake Presidency awake on the stand though.) Anyhow, when we got home we were all a little chilly. After hovering over the stove for what little heat it put off while making lunch we all went up and changed into our post-church garb, which consisted of hand made one of a kind bottoms and a sweatshirt for Mar and I. But Kathryn went all out. I was the first one changed so I was back downstairs and sitting down when Mar walked past Kathryn's door and let out a huge laugh. She almost took a tumble down the stairs she was laughing so hard. I asked what happened but she could only laugh. A minute later Kathryn came out all "Poohed" up. She was wearing a Pooh sweatsuit that her mother had bought her. The suit is dark green with Pooh's head sticking out of the top and it says Pooh on the bottoms. But the real kickers were the socks. They also were of the affiliation Pooh. They were the really thick kind with no slip bottoms. They had Pigget, in memory of Madi Hale, Eor??, Pooh, and Tigger. And this may be the funniest part. Instead of pulling the socks up and then pulling the hefty sweatsuit pant leg down over the socks she did the opposite. So she had this massive clump of sock around the bottom of her sweats. When asked WHY she had chosen this set-up she innocently commented that she did not want the cold air to creep up past the ELASTIC BAND of her sweats so she put the socks on the outside. This, of course, elicited another burst of laughter from Margaret and I. What else can be said. That logic just can not be argued against.

Hey Bob, take the stairs!

We all have heard the infamous stories from Margaret about Bob, you know--Kazuntite Bob and mmm hhmmm Bob. Well this semester I struck it rich. I have two classes with Bob!!! Don't get me wrong, Bob is a great guy...mmm hhhmmm. Fortunately I was warned of his evil and ensnaring tactics of getting ahold of you in a one on one conversation that could last for hours and get nothing accomplished but delay a DP break. I and other commrades have set up an "escape Bob" plan. If any one of us gets snared one of the others must come and physically pull the helpless victim away because "We really must be going now. We have to be at (any place other than with Bob) right now." And Bob lets go and seeks out his next victim.
But when I am alone I must resort to other measures. A week or two ago I was on my way down the hall to the stairway to head to class on the third floor. As I neared the stairs I heard it "mmm hhmmm" "Hola Senor Bailey". (He likes to call me that because I am going to be a spanish teacher). I did not panic. I merely replied, "Hi, Bob". I thought I was toast. I had no friends in the immediate area. BUT, lucky for me Bob was taking the elevator and it had just opened up for him. I half whittedly asked why he did not take the stairs (mistake), and while he started to reply the elevator doors started to close so he had to hop on. So I busted up the stairs (I am good at this because I have been training for "Chase Pete") and went to class. I went to my seat and sat down just in time to hear "mmm hhmmmm" from across the room. Bob was hot on my trail. He came and sat kind of beside me (I usually rearrange the seats so as to put as much space between myself and Bob as I possibly can) and started. He ripped me a new one. He went on and on and on about how he is not as young as I am, he is an older man, he has done his exercise for the day already and does not need to suplement it with stair climbing, he has a heavy back pack (very true, atleast 50 lbs of books in that thing), he had to park far away so that counts as his exercise and on and on and on. I was defenseless. However, he did not talk to me for awhile after that. He even seemed a little perturbed at my presence. Bob was half-way leaving me alone!!! From that experience I learned that a little teasing will get Bob to leave me alone. So now whenever I am confronted with Bob I ask if he took the stairs and I get an "mmm hhmmm" and Hola Senor Bailey and he turns away.

Hey...like shut-up or something

So like I have this girl in one of my like really long 2 hour and 45 minute classes and she like always asks these like really stupid questions and like the vast majority of them are like way off subject. She totally like asks questions like, "If somebody like has a question and like the question like answers itself is that like a rhetorical question or like a redundant question? (And she continues) Because whenever I was younger I would like ask my dad a question about whatever and he would like say that the question that I asked was like "redundant" or maybe he said "rhetorical" because it like answered itself or something or like it did not require like a verbal response or something like that. I can't like really remember because that was like a long time ago or something. (she continues) Becuase the other day I heard somebody say, "That was a redundant question because it answered itself". But I was like, what-ever, that is so not a redundant question, that is like a rhetorical question...or something." (End quote) So, what this chick has done in her like rambling and stuff is answered her own question and wasted my and everybody else's time. She like totally like has to make a comment at like all the wrong times. At like any moment her puny hand could like shoot up. (Have you all gotten the subtle hint of her favorite word, LIKE!!!!!!!! I will like not like use it like anymore). My favorite is when we are at 2 hours and 44 minutes and her puny hand shoots up like a rocket. This is both sad and humorous. Sad because our class has just been lengthened at least 5 minutes, maybe more depending on the response of the teacher. Humorous because you can hear the foreheads of classmates drop into open hands and a gush of frustrated exhales. Basically I just wanted you all to feel a little of my pain. But luckily enough for me there is a well stocked PEPSI machine right down the hall full of ice cold DP to take my mind off of "stupid girl".